So far, we have seen that sin brings with it both indebtedness of some sort to the one sinned against (and to God, since His law is broken) along with alienation or enmity with that person. Forgiveness discharges the debt and therefore removes the grounds for the alienation, paving the way for reconciliation. If someone truly forgives, they must also "forget" the offence and no longer take it into account in dealings with the offender. Most recently, we saw that forgiveness itself is conditional upon the repentance of the offender, and repentance is a gift from God.
Now, we need to go a step further and ask a very practical question - what happens where there is no repentance on the part of the offender? How should these situations be handled from a Biblical perspective? A moment's thought reveals that this circumstance can have several causes, and a different response may be needed in each case.
- The "Offender" Didn't Sin at all, but the "Victim" Took Offense
- The Offender Sinned Unconsciously Against the "Victim," Who Took Offense
The next situation that may arise is one where there was actual sin against someone on the part of the offender, but in a totally unconscious and un-premeditated way. In this situation, the "victim" feels offended but the offender has absolutely no awareness concerning their sin.
If this seems the likely scenario after prayer and reflection, the one sinned against has some different options for maintaining the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.Ephesians 4:1–3 I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, 2 with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, 3 eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
The first option is simply to cover over the sin in love - especially if it is a relatively trivial matter. Here, the judgment of the offended party is that the matter is not worth pursuing: the offender would more than likely be mortified and would immediately repent if they knew how their actions had affected the offended party. This is a practical operation of the benefit of the doubt, or the judgment of charity that we have mentioned before. Forgiveness can be extended to them on this basis, and the matter can be forgotten. If we raised every single minor infraction that others committed against us, and they did the same when we got under their skin, we would do nothing in life other than mending relationship fences!1 Peter 4:8 Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.
If the action of the offender was not public, then probably the only person to know about it and to feel its effects is the one offended. In this case, "least said, soonest mended" seems to be the approach most likely to maintain peace and unity.Romans 12:18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Even if the offense was public, the offender may choose to be wronged rather than to escalate the matter in a public manner that could lead to more division and dissension.1 Corinthians 6:7 To have lawsuits at all with one another is already a defeat for you. Why not rather suffer wrong? Why not rather be defrauded?
However, if the one sinned against is not able to cover the sin in love for whatever reason, the offender should be approached privately and in a spirit of love, seeking their repentance, leading to forgiveness and reconciliation. In the event that the offender is unwilling to repent and be reconciled at this stage, the procedure in Matthew 18:15-20 (pursued in love) is available to seek to restore peace:Matthew 18:15–20 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. 18 Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. 19 Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”
- The Offender Sinned Wilfully Against the "Victim"
Finally, we have the case where the sin was willfully and knowingly committed by the offender. Here, again, there is the option for the offended party to cover the sin in love, though in reality that is likely to be harder that for unintentional sins, and it may serve the offender less well for their actions not to be corrected in some way. Generally, then, the one offended should, in love, approach the one who sinned and seek repentance leading to forgiveness and reconciliation. Depending on the severity of the offense and how publicly it was committed, the aim is to begin with private entreaties and (again following Matthew 18:15-20) to gradually involve more people in the process until the church itself reviews the situation and appeals to the sinner to repent. Where that is unforthcoming, then the offender's life is judged to be no longer consistent with a genuine profession of saving faith in Christ, and the person is removed from the membership of the church. They are still to be loved, prayed for and entreated to repent and return to Christ and His church.
Recognizing the sinfulness of our hearts, this is the one we have to begin with. We need to ask ourselves whether the act which caused offense to us was actually a sin at all. For example, a brother or sister may have approached us in all humility to alert us to something in our lives that might be a stumbling block to others. They may have prayed sincerely before speaking with us. They may in reality be "speaking the truth in love". Still, in our pride and conceit, we may refuse their approach and take offense at them. Now there is sin, and enmity and alienation, but the sin is on our part and not on the part of the one who approached us!
A good rule when we feel offended is to pray, and search our own hearts to ask if we are right to be offended by someone else's action - did they really and truly sin against us, or are we just proud, thin-skinned and unwilling to hear loving words of correction from others? Such words, properly received, can be an instrument used by God for our spiritual growth. Rejected out of hand, they become a weapon in the enemy's hand to cause division.
If we find that in fact the problem is with us, then our own repentance (and if necessary, seeking forgiveness from the one who approached us) should resolve the issue and restore fellowship.
Ephesians 4:14–16 so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes. 15 Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, 16 from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.
In all these situations, Christ's love is the driving force, and the desire is reconciliation and peace within His Body, the church.
We are going to look at some other aspects of forgiveness in the next few posts - examining the motivation and the manner more closely to help us apply what we have been considering so far.
